i know that what i will post right now will be really inappropriate, but it's a risk i'm willing to take just so long as i can get this out of my chest... and it's better than blurting it out to the person/s involved.

it's still about the mixer thing. i still keep thinking about it. seriously, there might be something psychiatrically wrong with me now. this thing just keeps inserting itself into my consciousness(whoaa... thought insertion). i think it's one of the major reasons why i've been so unhappy these past few days...

...and why i want to stay as far away from the sor as possible. surprised? i know that everyone thinks that, normally, i'm loyal to the sor as loyalty can get but due to the past events, i feel like running away from it.. even permanently. that's how serious it is. the reasons behind this? i know that this may sound whiny, but like i said, i just have to let this all out. for the past few months, i have devoted my time and effort to the sor. sometimes, at some of my closest friends expense. i know it's part of the responsibility of an officer but really now, it seems like i've been doing this responsibility more often than others. i must admit though... this is plainly nothing but immaturity. but this is not the sole reason of my resentment. it's just a part of it(i think my patience has improved with the help of eya).

what i can't understand is.. after being so loyal and dedicated, why did my one mistake(which up until now, i don't think it was such a big deal) affected them so much that made me feel that it was so wrong? that i was just so stupid and back to being an idiot neophyte. haven't they considered what i've done in the past? doesn't that count? is it suppose to count? i'm really confused. i know i shouldn't be dwelling on it so much but it really has affected me. ever since the "eya phenomenon"(i've decided to call it likewise), i've been so paranoid into thinking that there might be other persons in my life like her and i'm starting to correlate it with the sor. it's wrong, i know, but i just can't help thinking this way. it's even getting worse and i can tell because i try to keep pushing these thoughts away. now i know why being alone can make you psycho. maybe it's really not good to think too much. maybe i'm becoming paranoid... psychotic... manic... whatever it is, i just don't like feeling this way... wishing to run away from my life, from the people i call my friends.

maybe it's just today. i hope it is. however, i still don't want to talk to them. i'm a bit mad at them in a way. they've added reasons why my life sucks right now. but before i'm going to whine and moan about my life i better...

...stop.

this day sucks. i'm really glad that it's over. a lot of factors has designated this day into a really sucky one.

one. i went to the gym yesterday since i had a lot of time on my hands to study for my sgt. and as it turns out, today, my body is aching like hell. i didn't have any kind analgesic at the apartment so i had to go to school with every move, every step very painful. i thought exercise, or any kind of stress, would stimulate the release of your "happy" beta endorphins. so where the hell are they?!

two. because of the lack of stoopid endorphins and/or the fact that my body was not in good condition to do anything but lie down, i didn't get to study for my sgt. everytime i tried reading i ended up falling asleep. this sgt period was really the worst i ever had(except during initiations).

three. i wasn't really happy about something i had expected to be exciting. i know i sound vague but this is for defensive mechanism purposes. i might be wrong but i know the feeling of expecting and then being disappointed... big time. he might or might not like me....

four. i still can't take my mind off the "mixer" thing. i know that it was really my fault. but i did have good intentions for it. it just shows that even if you have good intentions, you can still wind up in deep shit. honestly though, it wouldn't have been that bad if buddy had defended me. but she didn't. yet it's worse because it was mommy queenie who got mad(and told me head on) about it. i just didn't feel like being a sigman then. now, i have to really think before offering any kind of help. that's why i didn't really commented in the meeting a while ago. sometimes it just doesn't pay to be nice.

four reasons for a bad day. not bad huh? good thing it's a friday. i can't wait to go home...

i had another weird dream last night. in this one, i was a spy and had excellent knowledge of weapons and artillery. i really don't want to expound on this anymore.

i'm thinking if i could change my cellphone number. there are four guys texting me right now. two of which are obsessive stalkers, one is a nice guy i haven't seen before(but i don't really plan to) and the last... asked me out for dinner and a movie. the two stalkers keep ringing my phone. they're getting to be really annoying. especially the MMDA guy who sometimes texts me twice in a day. even worse, he calls during my nap times. arrrggghhh... i hate him(hate being a STRONG verb). just because he let me go without a ticket doesn't mean i have to answer his every call and whim. he even puts "text back pls" in his messages. i mean, what is that? are you ordering me now just because you have power over vehicles? i rarely text back and when i do, it's just me being civil. i do wish he could get a clue.

as for the last guy, this one i like. so on wednesday, i'll be out on a date with him. that's why i'm having one of my panic attacks. i really want to give a good first impression... with the clothes i wear or what i say... with everything. i do like him. he's such a nice guy. i don't want to disappoint him. i was ecstatic when he asked me out. i don't want to be manic-depressive when i disappoint him. i just wish things will turn out fine for me. wish me luck, i guess.