i pushed my bladder to the limit today. i was drinking coffee at tazza, banaue with elgin and i forgot to go the bathroom. from that point up to my house, which is in parañaque, i held my external sphincter(which if i can remember, is the sphincter that you can control among the two of them) as hard as i could. when i got home, i parked the car by the side of the house, ran inside and urinated a gallon. now i have to remind myself to pee before i leave any coffee shop lest i want to have frequency or hesistancy.

... but that's not what i really want to talk about today.

today is eya's birthday. i texted her this morning and greeted her. i know i should've called but then... my pride. i'm too stubborn to admit that i miss her. and i do. miss her... so much. i miss so many things about her. but things change, people change, i changed. for the past few months i kept denying myself that some things are just different now.. that whatever we had way back in college was now just a thing of the past.. that even though we tried to regain it, was nevertheless unsuccessful. i hate myself for letting all this happen. this is one of my regrets in joining std. even if i gained a lot of friends, i lost one important one. why can't a moment just last? why can't you just keep continuing things as they were?

she replied when i texted her. what she said was just so sad. just to prove that what she said was wrong, i went to her house to surprise her. but as it turns out, she wasn't home. she was with her boyfriend. and i guess that was it. it finally hit me that maybe, i had to let go of her. to accept what she had accepted a month ago. i didn't cry. i couldn't cry. not in front of elgin. no. i was just too proud. i left her cake with the maid and had coffee with elgin.

what now? i really don't know. maybe my biggest fault is that i gave too much... and in a way, i expected her to give the same. (yes ria, i think we have the same situation...) but why can't they see the attention that i'm giving and willing to give? and when i do the same for someone else, they think of you as disloyal or quote:"mas masaya sa ibang tao"? they make you guilty for that little happiness you had. and yes, it's very frustrating.

after you read all this, you might think differently of this person. but i ask of you, don't. i just needed to vent this all out and it's over. i promise... this will be the last time i say anything about this person ever again... in this blog anyway but in my diary hehe... that's just another chapter. i should be strong. i've learned from all this. maybe you really shouldn't give too much to a friend. but i'm afraid i just can't help it when i fall in love with a certain person. i really lack will power in everything...

bottom line: i still miss her.. and i still call her my bestfriend. good night.

and my search continues... for meaning? for purpose? for someone? no.

...for the perfect gym.

i went over to phase III to check out the new gym that was constructed in front of my lola's bakery. i was surprised to find out that it was a red corner gym instead of fitness advantage (which, according to my mom, is owned by a fitness buff who has a morning show on channel 2). According to my mom, again, that the owner of the gym is one of the contractors who built our old house.

*our old house was built badly. there was a time when rhea felipe came over(i think it was our highschool dance) and the pool overflowed because of the rain. all the water flowed into our house... and not only that, we had our roof fixed a dozen times due to the annoying leaks left by the sloppiness of the contractors work.

that contractor and the fitness buff who has a morning show on channel 2(whew!) had several disagreements. so now, instead of fitness advantage, it became red corner... which was a big relief for me because i wanted to go to red corner makati and inquire there. and so i went. i checked out the place and i was impressed. there was a real boxing ring! plus there's also a jiu jitsu class! and a punching bag just like in romy and michelle's highschool reunion! i am so psyched to start already...

... but my mom doesn't want me to train there. i don't blame her. i can still remember the flooded house incident. darn it, i've really set my eyes on that gym already. oh well...

what she doesn't know won't hurt her anyway hehehe...

my life feels empty once again.

i really don't know why. maybe it's just "school-lag" from summer. but right now, i feel like i don't have something to live for. i know i've felt this way before. over a dozen times. if i can remember, this is one of the reasons why i joined a sorority. i felt like i needed a change... or rather, a challenge.

it was august. it was near my birthday. i always wanted to do something before my next birthday and i had nothing to show up for it. as i was thinking of a way to change my life, it was that exact minute that veronica co approached me about the alpha deta mu orientation. i couldn't forget that moment because she really wanted me to join... to be her sis. and so i went.. even with the look of disdain on karen benig's face. i remembered when i told her that i would never join a sorority because i saw no point in joining one. now, i'm eating every word i said back then. i attended the ADM orientation but i didn't join. karen finally convinced me to join... because marie and jaymie... and surprisingly eya was joining too.

and so now, i'm a sigman.

damn proud too. i may have little regrets of being one(particularly the problem with bratty) but other than that, i have gained a lot from the sorority. gained in a way that i have met some amazingly true people. people that i can't afford to lose. thus i owe a lot to the sorority for giving me all this. this is a promise written on record.

...but still, my emptiness remains. when i became a sigman, i thought my life would be somehow fulfilled... at least maybe for a year or so. i'm still looking for something. i don't know what it is but i'm getting frantic. i really hope tomorrow this would just all disappear.

maybe right now is just nothing... maybe i'm just lonely... maybe i'm only missing someone...

but maybe, i'm afraid, i'm right...

that my life has always been empty.