this day was terrible.

i haven't had so many bad news all at once. im so frustrated because i can't help these people that i love. i feel less like a friend to them. it's just so unfair. what did they ever do to deserve all this? part of me wants to burn the administration and another part feels that it's my fault too for not really helping out. what happened? i really was starting to pray a lot...

to my friends, im really sorry. i just hope things get better...

i am so darn tired. i feel like every inch of my body is screaming out surrender. three more days of initiations to go...

so far, i'm starting to realize a lot of things. the initiations, this time around and me, being the master, is pretty interesting. i honestly think that i have learned more now as a master than then as a neophyte. i'm actually enjoying being a master. there's this adrenaline rush that i feel. the fun part is also the chance to get to feel that you're always right no matter what to a neophyte... but the best part is that you make them see and realize the importance of it all.

good night for now.

at last... i got to post again.

yesterday was the fruit of all my hardships. but, it really didn't turn out as i expected. it was our induction ball. i guess the only thing memorable that happened was the flowers that were given to me by my big sis, the speech that my big sis did, and the fact that all of it was finally over. actually the latter doesn't count. we are still in debt. buddy and i agreed that the only one who ever really got to enjoy the night was eya. hehe. eya and her flowers.

i really don't want to talk about the ball anymore. there's another thing i have in mind.

lately, i've been so confused. i think i'm in love with a person that i consider a good friend. a very good friend of mine. that person reminds me a lot about chickoy. i really don't know why. but it's not intimate love like you have for a boyfriend. it's just love. i can't really expound on it. i love this person so much that i'd do anything to keep her happy. it would kill me to disappoint her... to see her frown.

sometimes, i get scared that i love my friends too much that i forget about myself. i've been through a lot with a particular close friend. i have given her so much and the way she's been treating me is shitty. part of it is my fault actually. i made her dependent on me. i felt secure whenever i felt that she needed me. but i guess, i made her too dependent. sometimes, she abuses the generousity that i have given her... and almost all the time, she forgets to realize the things i have done for her. i'm not really asking for credit for everything i've done. all i want is that she would just appreciate it and treat me like i really am her friend. but i guess, times change. people change... and your friends change along with everything else. i guess she and i have separate ways now. i just have to open my eyes to reality. a slap from reality.